A lot of what you’re saying resonates with my past belief system — that nothing I could ever do was good enough for God, that I was born sinful and should spend my life trying to improve (though I was doomed to fail), that by acknowledging my defeat would mean victory for God. After all, Christianity is based upon the story of a man who got himself slaughtered and tortured and it was through that that people were set free!
That’s certainly one way of looking at Jesus, and one way of living life.
But here’s the funny thing, Stephen. When I lived that way — listened to those messages, thought those thoughts, made choices by that logic, enveloped myself in that culture — I spent a lot of time feeling shame, overwhelmed by depression and anxiety. I didn’t feel love coursing through my veins each day; I felt doubt that I was even worthy of love.
My faith doesn’t look the same way today, and I can assume from your comments that it doesn’t look like yours either. I’m actually okay with that. What I mean is, I don’t worry anymore that I’m not doing things the right way; I’m not riddled with anxiety anymore that maybe God won’t love me because I’m not good enough. Being good enough or ridding myself (or others) of sin isn’t my focus, and because of that shift in thinking, there’s a lot more room for acknowledging my inherent goodness (and others’ too). In my experience, focusing on what’s good makes life more fulfilling than focusing on what’s bad. And when I’m more fulfilled, I’m more likely to practice good!
I don’t have as many rules for myself or others, because that no longer feels like the point. It feels too easy to get lost in the score system, and then lose track of people. A great example is forgiveness: I learned from Christianity to forgive if someone says their sorry. Every single time. The sooner the better. But if I focus instead on the person, their intent, and whether or not there’s a pattern of hurt that seems likely to happen again, I’m actually doing my heart and my brain a lot of damage to forgive and move on with that person if they are likely to continue harm. There are healthier ways to proceed! (I wrote about it in a few of my earlier posts, in fact!)
I will keep thinking about your comment. Thanks for sharing and for thinking this through with me!
